Quite often, I get stuck.
For a few days, sometimes a month or two, I do the following:
- I forget I have a plan (printed and filed in the cute binder I have over my desktop, IN MY FACE)
- I remember I have the plan and think, “Oh, Thank God! I have a plan! How did I forget I had this?” But when I look at it, it is SO boring that I start a new plan and I print it.
- I follow the new plan for “x” period of time, sometimes highly motivated and others simply committed. And then “something” happens.
- I forget I have a plan, printed.
I could go on and on with this forever.
In my line of work, in my life, all the above equals to making a schedule of posts for the blog and writing very decent drafts. Then, “something” happens. I forget I have the schedule. Then I remember, I read it and…, “boring.”
So, I began a copy letting out how stuck I feel in my life. I remember I did this exact same thing … last week? And I say, “No!”
I start a decent draft on a new idea (which is not about being stuck, but about something. You know.)
Then another “something” happens.
Given that at this point I know I am to be kind to myself and take some “down time” to recover, I do it. But, most of the times, the line between the down time and the procrastination time gets blurry. You know what I mean?
I used to say, “But, the things that happen to me are heavy! Of course that I am gonna get stuck!” (These days, for instance, I am grieving three losses. Fucking three. In two months.)
But the reality is that ordinary things can stress me out to the point to draining every ounce of dopamine from my brain.
An unexpected commitment… The weather… A thought…
One word from a person…, let’s say “church”; a person says, “I went to church.” And my brain goes like, “Church. Religion. Siria. War. How come no one can put an end on this? I should go. My life is meaningless here. No! I have a purpose. My thing matters too! I should write. But… I… am…so…exhausted.”
During the transition from “this is boring now” to “this is a better plan”, I believe that having a new planner could be a great solution. (You know, a prettier planner; bigger or smaller; minimalistic or filled with motivational quotes; purchased by half of my income or handmade. It doesn’t matter. It just needs to be “new.”)
Then, after having arranged my whole life in the new planner, I go like, “the work sheet on Excel was doing wonders for me! I’ll go back to that.”
Kill me now.
My obsession with time is almost like an addiction.
It is an addiction and I keep falling off the wagon.
I know, with absolute certainty, that if I work on “one” copy for a week (or less) I’ll finish it. And I am very aware that I am to run towards it… (at a decent healthy pace.) But the finish line seems to be preceded, always, by a boredom banner. “Congrats! You’ve made it to boredom! Again!”
My plans are drinks I know I must quit, and the wagon is the “today just do this tiny little shitty thingy.”
I can’t stay on the wagon.
And maybe that is the problem.
To forget that I know that I won’t stay on the wagon, because: I have ADHD.
And it’s not a superpower.
The superpower is holding on to the will to continue, to not give up.
I have that.
And if you’re reading is, you have it too.