The Wall

Day of quarantine #57. On the bigger challenge that the COVID-19 quarantine is for those of us with ADHD; fatigue syndrome … and the biggest heartbreak… perhaps.

When I was in College, standing in the hall with my classmates waiting for the bell to call us for a two-hour test, one would always say – passing like a father waiting for his child to be born in the other room – “At least sign it; it’s a point; your signature counts as a point”…. Funny…. “I know nothing! But hey, this is me!”

I didn’t know how to start writing about this wall I’ve hit these days and then I remembered that… I don’t know why…

The thing is, a few days ago I looked at my weekly planner slash journal and it was empty. I’ve been reading a lot about how much harder is being in quarantine for people with ADHD; and I thought I would find some advice or comfort, but my wall just kept getting taller and stronger.

I can see perfectly the bricks it’s made of: lack of energy and a strong will to turn down two walls of my house. What’s left to wonder is, where did I get those bricks? Can I break them? Do I really know what the bricks are made of?

The lack of energy? Well I’m sure those bricks come from the amount of sports I need to do to deal with my ADHD and the fact that Lady Quarantine told me “No more skating missy; here’s a stationary bike; knock yourself out.”

Trying to shake things up – in that search for a perfect schedule for this new normal – and taking advices from here and there, my mornings got better since I:

  • Workout at 3am before even brushing my teeth
  • Take a long bath (and brush my teeth)
  • Make some coffee and mate to work for four hours
  • Have a protein only breakfast at 8am
  • Chill for a while
  • Check my ADHD status to see if I: a) can work a for a few more hours; b) should go for a walk or do some cleaning; or c) should call it quits and play Kingdom Hearts
  • Have a protein only lunch, at 1PM

I am very happy with that schedule; I’ll share with you how I came up with it (what I’ve tried and why) asap; however, not only I’d like to not fall into a coma after 1PM but, moreover, I see that I’m reaching levels on Kingdom Hearts I didn’t reached a decade ago … and I don’t think it’s a good sign. Just a thought. I may be wrong.

The desire to turn down the kitchen walls? These bricks are made of desperation, the need to open something so I could breath; it’s no brainer. I have a big patio, I can go out for walks but it’s not enough because it’s not what I what want nor need.

Before this madness started, I had planned and booked my trip to New York for this year; I wanted to be there for Earth Day and I needed to be there for the last days of May and the first ones of June. “Why?” you may ask; well, I’ll refer you to reasons nº 18, 11 and 7: that is having found my home in New York City and the lack of a birthday date. Didn’t you know? You’d need to catch up…

On 2017 I turned suicidal during those “dark days”, and I realized how much I need to leave for good. For that I work every day so I could do it with my cats and, until then, I know that at least – during those days – I need to be far away from this country and the people who stole my identity. The thought of being here makes me fear… It freezes me… And that wall begins to rise, as it happens every year.

Where did I get those bricks? Can I break them? Do I really know what the bricks are made of? A set of bricks has an answer: ADHD plus “Fatigue syndrome”, equals “find the way to deal with it; you can do it!” The second set of bricks however… I’m not so sure.

I’m feeling a lot better; since I switched to Ritalin LA I don’t have those awful side effects I used to have when I started the treatment; in fact, my focus is back and strong like a Hulk! and my doctor is finally convinced that I’m the hyperactive type and that the lack of focus was due to that brain collapse I had. 

This medication is also doing something for me something that most people don’t like: they numb my feelings, “certain” feelings I must add, and I am happy with that… specially when I can’t run. So, on a second thought, I am not afraid about turning suicidal; I’m not afraid of being here during those “dark days.”

The second set of bricks are built of … you know when you’re desperate to say something, yell something, but you can’t? Well, the second set of bricks are made of that. Keeping my mouth shut when I should speak up is one of my biggest fucked-up talents.

The wall I need to turn down is made of the words I cannot seem get out there; and so, they wrap me and I cannot breath…

I opened this blog to tell you my story, so you could hopefully get something out of it; learn from my mistakes and the good choices I made; reflect further than my own reflections… And I do have one special monolog ready to publish, but I cannot hit the button… 

Since April 30th, two hours after I published “A Whole New World”, I feel I’m back on “Step One” thinking “Just write something; whatever; write it and post it; do your thing; work on that blog.” And I open a blank Word document and I wonder, “How can I change the blue border of the software? It bothers me; and it bothers me even more that I can’t have the color I want; Mac OS should allow me to change this!”

On the morning of April 30th, the Wicked Witch of Santa Fe – during a conversation that escalated quickly, exclaimed: “The times I wish I had not gone looking for you in that city!”

… I’d say that can also build a wall by itself. Don’t you think?

… I also realize now why that memory from college came back to me… Isn’t that something… 🤔

Next: The One About the Horse, Racism and Two Weeks Without my Mother (Day 70)

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Any thoughts?