Hyperactivity: “Not What I Thought It Was”
I always believed that my massive energy was that “hyperactivity”, and what was forcing me to do sports, and so many activities! I thought it was only physical and, again, I was wrong.
As you know, life hit me with a lot (a primary trauma, aka top secret early adoption; child sexual abuse, sexual harassment, domestic abuse) and I fought back, because I had a dream: collecting these inspiring stories of survival and share them; somehow I developed a way to set myself on “resilience mode”: “Do sports! Find a new happy thing to do! Set it as a goal, reach the goal, take the win!”
All clear? No! My body and mind began saying, “Girl! Ouch!” and they responded with chronic depression, chronic stress, anorexia nervosa, panic attacks and “PTSD of a lifetime.” Without doctors nor medication that could help me, I’d say, “Suck it up! Turn resilience mode on for this too, and grab some vitamins.”
Now, it amazes me to see realize that my “resilience mode” had ADHD printed all over it: my “new happy thing to do” was always something “to learn, from books”, which would keep my mind very occupied and my soul happily absorbing new knowledge, and that would eventually give me a diploma so I could say, “I may feel stupid, but I’m smart, and look what I got!” And, what’s that? “Pleasure and reward.”
How did I know that? I wondered about it a lot over the years; I began reflecting about the ups and downs of life during my teenage years, but how did my little girl have such a happy childhood after that disgusting trauma? How did she stand tall and come up with a: “My life is going to be like a movie; I’ll be the hero and it will have the best ending ever. It’s going to be so amazing that not even I can imagine it. And I’ll tell people about it!”?
Recently a psychiatrist told me, “Some people are simply born resilient; you know you are that little girl, right? … Pills?” Fuck off! Soo not ready for that yet. I swiped to the left, googled “resilience”, and I found out psychologists believe that resilience can be developed. However, Dr. K has another hypothesis; he believes that the hyperactivity that comes with my ADHD, is what has helped me to develop that resilience; what has kept me going through mud and blood yelling, “Run Laly, Run.”